Nursing

Unfortunately, breastfeeding my son did not go as well as I had hoped. I managed to nurse him for a little over 5 months but was supplementing him with formula for the m ajority of that time (or rather the breastmilk was supplementing the formula). In my community many people nurse (it is the norm although there are many who don't). I can remember going to visit certain people and being extremely embarrassed giving a bottle to my son when he was still hungry right after I nursed him. Because of this I was so full of guilt and blame.

I blamed he hospital for not having any lactation consultants working on the weekends (shouldn't they have someone on call for people that give birth then. I gave birth early Sunday morning.) I blamed the lactation consultant who didn't come for hours (on Monday) after I called for her numerous times and did not spend much time with me when she finally did arrive. I blamed the first nurse (who had nursed children of her own and had experience with it) for not helping me enough with it. I blame the second nurse who, instead of helping me, looked at me with disgust and criticized me for holding the baby the way the first nurse had told me to and then for confusing me with her very different methods. (From the way she looked at me, one would think that I was an irresponsible 12 year old single girl living on the street, instead of a 27 year old who is educated, married and has a head on her shoulders - actually in retrospect she probably would have been nicer to the 12 year old.) I blamed my mother-in-law for convincing me that in the hospital my son was starving and for giving him formula (the reality is that all a baby needs is colostrum which is exactly what you are producing until your milk comes in a few days later.) I blamed my ob/gyn who did not have any resources to share with me when I called him for advice, other than the wrong number of a lactation consultant. I blamed my friend who told me (when I requested it) that she would get me in touch with her other friends who are lactation consultants but never bothered to do anything. I blamed my son's pediatricians (we go to a husband and wife team) who each gave me conflicting reports - one said that my babys spitting up was because I was feeding him TOO often and I should wait until 3 hours after his last feeding was finished to feed him again and the other for telling me that I had to nurse more often to increase my milk supply (well what do you think I was trying to do). I even blamed my son for not being a strong enough sucker.

But the only reason that I blamed everybody else was because I was so upset and felt so much guilt. Because most of all I blamed myself. I blamed myself for stupidly believing that nursing would come naturally and for not doing enough research beforehand and preparing myself. I blamed myself for thinking that all of the help and resources I needed would just come to me (as if by magic I guess). I blamed myself for asking and listening to everyones advice. I blamed myself for not asking a different friend for advice (I have a friend who I had spoken to later on who told me that if she would have known that I was having troubles she would have helped me and reassured me because she also had problems but went on to successfully exclusively nurse her two sons).

Yet with all of that, I still plan to take the journey again with my next child. The journey that is the emotional rollercoaster that a nursing mother who is not quite successful feels - getting a high each time you think things are workign out and then hitting rock bottom with each ounce of formula given. Next time though I will be smarter and more prepared (both emotionally for the letdown, knowledgable with all sorts of resources).